HEAR'SAY

It is written That "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs" ...etc. Dear old Rudyard Never a truer Sentiment to ruse over. As today as I try to swallow my evening meal of cancer ridden grilled bangers with a side serving of intestinal busting bacon not to mention a most hazardous cholesterol choked free ranger complete with a dressing of cooked G.M tomato and artery blocking salted baked beans and God forbid, a slice of white bread to wipe round the edges for good measure. Goodness with that lot of poison on my plate, I'd say I had about three hours to live according to new government figures. And as if that wasn't enough to kill me I nearly choked myself to death as it was revealed that this ever-lasting Tesco debacle has been deferred yet again. I'm telling you now, this next time they go to vote I'm running a book on the outcome! Still I guess this latest non-development was only to be expected, as that lot wouldn't be able to organise a promiscuous act in a brothel. It's all really enough to put one off one's food. Which, if one listens to the so-called experts is exactly what they want? No eating from now on! That's fine by me, as usual, just point me in the general direction of a pub. But seriously though. Do the powers really believe that they can in some way inveigle into my everyday cooking fest a vegetarian alternative? Well I have my doubts. As this would clearly, to my mind, conjure up some interesting and startling consequences. For example If everyone around the globe were to head off for the bunny alternative, apart from being very proficient in seeing in the dark, the consequences of an all vegetable diet would be dire. Firstly the production and uncontrollable expulsion of methane gas (a great big no, no according to the global warming and save the planet brigade) would rocket. Thus speeding up the possibility of the Bar- B on the beach on Christmas Day theory tenfold. Imagine if billions of people around the world were converted to vegalism over night the planet would overheat in a week! Of course to counteract this effect the scientists and grand powers that be would issue us all with a compulsive prescription of charcoal tablets to subdue the offending wind. Great! Except that in due course, a rain forest the size of South America would have to be felled every month to keep up with the demand of the charcoal industry. And that is where things start to go downhill. As if they could get any worse? Dear old Wordsworth wrote about his host of golden daffodils "And the way things are a hedin' looks like we mite soon atta eat them an orl!" Along with the odd rose petal salad, dandelion soup and nasturtium crepes. Yum! Yep I'm off in a mo to buy my self a buttercup field to grow my own wild larder, at least that way I might be helping the monopoly commission keep Tesco's and a few others at bay. Or at least until some cheeky store developer comes along and buys up the narrow strip down the middle of the access road to it.

Now moving on to these here parts. And yes it's true our very own Town Clock is having a Trinny and Tranny moment. Or something to that effect! Yes I refer to this monument's makeover. And not only the Town's Clock but I refer also to the new lamp standards and down lamps we have had installed throughout our byways. Indeed these new lamps project downward light in a manor that reminded me that we might see or come across a "Lilly" on the corner underneath any one of them! I guess you have to be of a certain age to appreciate that last comment but the overall effect of these erections is rather striking. The money that must have been spent there then eh? Yet it's almost farcical that the Chamber of Trade have put out begging letters for 350 quid to fund the seasonal lights. How come every year there's never any dosh in the pot for the Sparkly bits yet there's plenty of dosh from our European cousins to fund a Shering-Henge on the privately owned Ottendorf Green. Plenty of dough to fight off the onslaught of Tesco's rampage. Enormous pots to fund Lily's Night time exploits and tonnes of gold bullion for a fancy new odd fellow, yet there's never any cash from anywhere, public fund or otherwise, to shove up a few twinkles! So come on Sheringham Plus pull your finger out and get allocating a bit for where it really matters. Us Shopkeepers might have had a good Sheringham in Bloom competition this year but we are in no way a Sheringham in Boom.