HEAR'SAY

Hello again my cyber readers and welcome to yet another gripping episode of sex intrigue and outrageous debauched slander. Sounds every bit like an ordinary day at the Houses of Parliament to me. Anyway moving swiftly on, which is always a good idea especially if you happen to be a man in drag in a beauty contest. And yes this year's Carnival Queen and Attendants have been chosen. And yes indeed their smiles in the paper have been as glorious as the weather of late. Albeit a trifle chilly still around the nether regions, so as one would still need the added comfort of the fleece lined twin-set and draws! Well it is still only May after all. Mind you, personally, I cast nowt 'till Mid July and only then when the indoor night-time temperature reaches a constant 30. Of course, excessive heat can on occasions go to some people's heads. And something must have happened the other day. As less than 24 hours after Beeston Road had been resurfaced and yellow lined the Lecky board, like moths drawn to a flame, arrived and left a hole in the new road. Now, a week later, as I write this it is still there! Complete with safety barriers etc. must be almost a new record! I swear they do it on purpose!

So Carnival time is approaching. And my goodness hasn't that time flown. I have barely had time to do my spring clean and make sure my wheelie bins have been filled with the correct refuse, lid closed shut of course, don't want a criminal record now do we, than we find ourselves at the run up to another one. Alas no pram race again this year, which is a bit of a shame especially when as in times gone by many of the local rivalries took part to thrash or splash it out metaphorically speaking.

Now what fun would that be in today's climate? Can you imagine it? Pro verses anti Tesco for example. Of course that race would be cancelled several times before the off. Mainly due to planning concerns and design of the course. Then after a few bribes of the officials, a stewards inquiry about foul play at the water trough, and one or two under-cutting manoeuvres at the Budgens bend, the race would have to be finally abandoned as none of the trolleys would have been in a fit enough state to race in the first place.

The second race would be between the keepers of Ottendorf Green and the Railways. This would have again a late slow start, but once they had chuffed up a bit of momentum the railway would finally let off a bit of steam. Sadly there would be a bit of commotion at the barrier crossing as a double agent for the proceedings accidentally on purpose forgets to put it up at the crucial time thus causing hold ups and massive queues at the Whistlestop ice cream post.