1/ I/we (if I can get my mum to sponsor me) promise a plethora of signed erections! Down along the prom. All with clear instructions to all canines that the walking of human beings will not be allowed at any time. This species has flouted the decency laws on canine excrement a million times now and still refuse to remove the offending brown’ black green and white doings. All dogs with owners will be instructed to seat the owner(s) on the benches along the prom whilst the dog or dogs do their doo all over the beach etc. so that the owner can nonchalantly pretend not to see the offence taking place. We also promise to make provision and provide funding for each and every dog across the land to undergo literacy instruction so that there will be in future no excuse for not being able to read the signs. Any breach of this new directive will lead to an immediate ban of the early morning trots during the walkies from said area and a fine of placing your pal in the pound until his diet or reading improves, which ever is the sooner. If this sign scheme is successful we will extend it to include all members of the feline family, drunken underage binge drinkers, and the potty festival-goers during the summer season.

2/ I we promise to scrap the appointment fiasco at the doctors surgery. Whereby no body makes an appointment at all. It would work, as the doctors would be driving constantly around the town going to and from the golf course en route to their holiday destinations. The sick or needy patient would then simply pull and raise a red flag up their chimney to indicate that medical advise was sought and the constantly passing travelling doctor would be summons to the person or persons in need. We could then use the new building as a reading centre for all the dyslexic animals. The car park could be the overflow for Tescos and or the waiting area for all the millions of extra passengers the new train station platform promises to bring to the town.

3/ I we promise to ban mums and parents doing the early morning school drop off run up the Holt road. This has become one of our top priorities because hundreds of boy races are complaining that it is no longer safe to drive up there at this time of the day any more. Despite many desperate attempts to make the road safer by residents: These brave souls leave their precious cars parked opposite each other on both sides of the road overnight. Thus restricting the width of the road to within the minimum E.U standard bicycle path dimension. Irate and frustrated school runners still run the gauntlet of obstacles, children playing “chicken” and weary half asleep folk who frequently glide out of any of the side turnings without stopping and or giving a single glance left or right. We would therefore propose a zone charge for this area at certain times of the day. All the money raised would go into funding smoking patches and sex education (How not to have sex) and school dinners for the kids and the daily bottle of claret for the teachers.

So that’s it for now. Maybe next time I’ll continue my election pledges and proposed budgets, but right now have to dash off to secure a few of Hunt’s coat hangers that he’d had going for a fiver EACH! Not to mention an odd pair of shoes and a few shirts for 300 quid a piece never mind eh at least he’s betting on an early retirement which is more than I can say for the rest of us. Good luck to you Messieurs Hunt the shop front will be missed by thousand of mucky beggars who will in the future have even less clean space to spit out their gum. A sad day for us all. And with that folks I really must bid you farewell this time. My life support is pinging.  See you next time, take care Vic.

Concert in Langham Parish Church
by
The North Norfolk Orchestral Society.
On Saturday May 7th at 7.30 pm.
There will be a retiring collection in aid of the Langham Church Building Trust.

The Friends of Kelling School.

May we send a big THANK YOU to all those who attended the QUIZ NIGHT presented by JON & THEA ROWLING at High Kelling Village Hall on Saturday 19th March. The evening was a sell-out and everyone who attended enjoyed the event and look forward to the next one. The Secretary of The Friends of Kelling School announced that after expenses for the hall hire and refreshments the event raised over £160 for the school funds. The Quiz Champions were ‘The Beeston Boffins,’ Runners-up
‘The Guild of Barber Surgeons’ and those given extra homework ‘The Beach Combers’. Thanks also to those who donated raffle prizes, provided the refreshments and helped Jon & Thea with the organising. Watch for the adverts for the next event as tickets are in great demand and numbers limited.